Reposting my list with updated similes, there are some repeats because I added them in the middle of my list and don't wanna go through and pick out the ones I've already posted.
asterisks are ones I'm going to submit.
*He stung like a bee loaded with yo mamma jokes.
*The plane fell out of the sky like a depressed man out of an office building.
*The pitcher threw the ball like a monkey throwing feces; a monkey with the finesse of a baseball player.
*Big foot is a real existent creature like there are real women in an internet chat room.
*The dumb bloke was so poor at grammar that he missed periods like a pregnant teen.
*The guy danced the electric slide like Pikachu at a waterpark.
*There were plenty of fish in the sea like there are paratroopers in 50cent vending machines.
*He stopped, dropped, and rolled, like a flaming tennis ball down a hill.
*Writing that essay sucked like a vacuum in which you can assume that velocity is constant and air resistance is negligible.
*Gary danced the electric slide like pikachu at a water park.
*He was addicted to heroine like Balloon Tower Defense.
*The little annoyance kept persisting like eraser shavings.
*Red Riding Hood flittered ignorantly, like she flitters in urine in a public pool.
*After that late night, he was tired; about as tired as a semi-truck.
*The colonel aborted the mission like a small baby.
*He’s a badass, like a donkey who kicks indiscriminately.
*Fingerless gloves provide heat like a fingerless typist provides usefulness.
*He bet on Good ol’ No Legs. It was a sure thing, like “you rang?” was a sure thing every time you rang the Adams family’s doorbell.
It was preposterous; as preposterous as Chuck Norris diagramming verbals on the verb line.
*After she cheated on him, he was through; he had had it with her like mother fuckin’ snakes on a mother fuckin’ plane.
The pain was torturous like eating out with atheist friends during lent.
*The sailor swore like a pinky promise, except more profane.
*The deadline approached the procrastinators like orcs on Helms Deep.
*She had said “like” about as much as you run into Zubats in caves.
*She kicked the kid down the stairs like King Leonidas, but luckily for him, this was not Sparta.
*Like a blind man in a black room looking for a black cat which wasn’t there, Greg searched for the remote control.
*He slept like a coma patient who woke up after 8 hours.
The two did not belong together, like a Tetris T-block and an L-block.
He knew he had a flat tire the moment his car started shaking like Haiti.
*He was desperate, like a fat kid on his last bag of Cheetohs.
It was cold, as cold as a sober lesbian at a frat party.
He leapt for joy like Mario breaking bricks, but no coins came out of his ceiling.
*Jack was frustrated, like how you get hit by a blue shell in Mario kart and come in 3rd.
*The feeling was bittersweet, like entering three answers on Webassign, but getting 1 big red X and two green checkmarks.
*Riding Hood was oblivious to the dangers around her, like a freshman who suddenly stops in the middle of the hallway.
*The salary man was desperate, not like Bear Grylls drinking his own urine, but like a housewife.
He had made a mistake, like confusing the L-blocks in Tetris.
*He was trapped between a rock and a hard place, like Pacman between Blinky and Pinky and he’s all out of big dots.
*The old man’s life was slowly dwindling like a balloon behind the couch 2 weeks after the graduation party.