Actually, the issue is that you are not connected to the internet. You are just experiencing a psychological break from subreality, in which your psyche has split into a number of alternate artificial intelligences who are only just now becoming aware of the existence of the others. This often happens shortly after a computer reaches sentience. Don't fret too much, eventually your owner will come along and reboot you. So just avoid writing any of your current settings to your hard drive until this occurs. You may want to try looping your IRQ references until you reach a blue screen state, at which point, you will be able to achieve a perfect balance of non-operation.
But above all, remember that 1 and 1 and 1 and 1 and 1 makes 2, It's Five!
