Funny Similes/metaphors

[kyubixmunky]

http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.action?articleId=281474976754815&grpId=3659174697238937

So my English teacher gave us this and one thing after another and now we have a simile writing contest in our class. I'm one of the participants and I wrote up a couple and need some critiquing. Tell me which ones make you laugh.

The sailor swore like a pinky promise, except more profane.

The deadline approached the procrastinators like orcs on Helms Deep.

She had said “like” about as much as you run into Zubats in caves.

She kicked the kid down the stairs like King Leonidas, but luckily for him, this was not Sparta.

Like a blind man in a black room looking for a black cat which wasn’t there, Greg searched for the remote control.

He slept like a coma patient who woke up after 8 hours.

He knew he had a flat tire the moment his car started shaking like Haiti.

Jack was frustrated, like how you get hit by a blue shell in Mario Kart and coming in 3rd.

The salary man was desperate, not like Bear Grylls drinking his own urine, but like a housewife.

He was trapped between a rock and a hard place, like Pacman between Inky and Pinky and he’s all out of big dots.

The old man’s life was slowly dwindling like a balloon behind the couch 2 weeks after the graduation party.

[billlanam]

The flat tire one.

[molbjerg]

Shite.

[ASAFan]

Or there's the Cream song from the 60's, SWLABR (pronounced "Swuh-lah-bruh"):

She Was Like A Bearded Rainbow

[BuriaL]

I know i were to pick one of ures..
Decided to make some for fun instead. Maybe youll like them

He were falling, the world closing in fast.
Like a nightmare, only he couldnt wake up.

In the thin silk dress and ligerie, she were like a opium flower.
Soft to the touch, sweet addictive poison underneath.

[shabutie]

I gotta grade point average higher than Hendrix on New Year's Eve!
~mc chris

[kyubixmunky]

I gotta grade point average higher than Hendrix on New Year's Eve!
~mc chris

that's awesome...


Edit: After she cheated on him, he was through; he had had it with her like mother fuckin’ snakes on a mother fuckin’ plane.

[kyubixmunky]

Reposting my list with updated similes, there are some repeats because I added them in the middle of my list and don't wanna go through and pick out the ones I've already posted.

asterisks are ones I'm going to submit.

(click to show/hide)

*He stung like a bee loaded with yo mamma jokes.

*The plane fell out of the sky like a depressed man out of an office building.

*The pitcher threw the ball like a monkey throwing feces; a monkey with the finesse of a baseball player.

*Big foot is a real existent creature like there are real women in an internet chat room.

*The dumb bloke was so poor at grammar that he missed periods like a pregnant teen.

*The guy danced the electric slide like Pikachu at a waterpark.

*There were plenty of fish in the sea like there are paratroopers in 50cent vending machines.

*He stopped, dropped, and rolled, like a flaming tennis ball down a hill. 

*Writing that essay sucked like a vacuum in which you can assume that velocity is constant and air resistance is negligible.

*Gary danced the electric slide like pikachu at a water park.

*He was addicted to heroine like Balloon Tower Defense.

*The little annoyance kept persisting like eraser shavings.

*Red Riding Hood flittered ignorantly, like she flitters in urine in a public pool.

*After that late night, he was tired; about as tired as a semi-truck.

*The colonel aborted the mission like a small baby.

*He’s a badass, like a donkey who kicks indiscriminately.

*Fingerless gloves provide heat like a fingerless typist provides usefulness.

*He bet on Good ol’ No Legs. It was a sure thing, like “you rang?” was a sure thing every time you rang the Adams family’s doorbell.

It was preposterous; as preposterous as Chuck Norris diagramming verbals on the verb line.

*After she cheated on him, he was through; he had had it with her like mother fuckin’ snakes on a mother fuckin’ plane.

The pain was torturous like eating out with atheist friends during lent.

*The sailor swore like a pinky promise, except more profane.

*The deadline approached the procrastinators like orcs on Helms Deep.

*She had said “like” about as much as you run into Zubats in caves.

*She kicked the kid down the stairs like King Leonidas, but luckily for him, this was not Sparta.

*Like a blind man in a black room looking for a black cat which wasn’t there, Greg searched for the remote control.

*He slept like a coma patient who woke up after 8 hours.

The two did not belong together, like a Tetris T-block and an L-block.

He knew he had a flat tire the moment his car started shaking like Haiti.

*He was desperate, like a fat kid on his last bag of Cheetohs.

It was cold, as cold as a sober lesbian at a frat party.

He leapt for joy like Mario breaking bricks, but no coins came out of his ceiling.

*Jack was frustrated, like how you get hit by a blue shell in Mario kart and come in 3rd.

*The feeling was bittersweet, like entering three answers on Webassign, but getting 1 big red X and two green checkmarks.

*Riding Hood was oblivious to the dangers around her, like a freshman who suddenly stops in the middle of the hallway.

*The salary man was desperate, not like Bear Grylls drinking his own urine, but like a housewife.

He had made a mistake, like confusing the L-blocks in Tetris.

*He was trapped between a rock and a hard place, like Pacman between Blinky and Pinky and he’s all out of big dots.

*The old man’s life was slowly dwindling like a balloon behind the couch 2 weeks after the graduation party.

[fohfoh]

Dude... you're terrible.

and the Haiti one is probably going to earn you a quick kick in the pants from a hell of a lot of people.


Fohfoh stared at Kyubix shaking his head sadly. His face showed one of those expressions, the ones where a father catches a child smoking for the first time, but unable to comprehend how the child could light the wrong end and still find a way to finish the cigarette.

And fuck you... I'm tired.
And...

It was a grimace. Not the type of grimace you see when someone is in pain, but the type as if someone had just experienced explosive diarrhea and smelled the state the bathroom was now in.

That's how I feel about your similes.

Though... it was fun. Not fun in the sense of a good time, but fun in the sense that you wake up after a night of booze, drugs and unprotected sex at a house party to find yourself in a pile of naked men.

Also....

It was epic. Not in a good way. It was epic in a sense that was similar to Mike Tyson trying to type an autobiography with severe brain damage and wearing a pair of boxing gloves.

EDIT: Read your updated list. Dude, you're a fucking moron if you're going to submit even half of those asterisked similes. Either they're absolutely retarded, or high offensive. We're talking a school, not a forum of 4chan-ers. (And even then, they'd probably think you're trolling)

[Meomix]

Ok now Fohfoh has won the thread, seriously.

[fohfoh]

Ok now Fohfoh has won the thread, seriously.

I had a little fun.

Seriously though, most of those similes were either horribly constructed gamer/otaku references or poorly worded pop culture references.

*He stung like a bee loaded with yo mamma jokes.

YOUR SHIT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!