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My English Version of Inori from Romeo x Juliet

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Arinox:
Hi. I've pretty much watched all the fansubs and the official dvd of this series (one of my favorites), and I couldn't help but feel that no version gave justice to the beautiful OP song, Inori... which is a song set to the tune of You Lift Me Up (which in turn is a arrangement of Londonderry Air/Danny Boy). So I decided to translate it myself.

Here is my version. Please note, that I really can't read and speak in Japanese. And English isn't my first language, although I do have to say that I'm really good with the latter.

Inori ~ Transliteration by Justin Exito

Within the depths of these tearful eyes,
A vision of you: forever etched unchanged.
"Just how far does this world plan take take us?"
Echo the words of our bygone days.

Deep in the night; the cold and stormy darkness,
I reach for you, whom I have yet to see.
Tell me, O wind, who has crossed the oceans:
Will our prayers cross eternity?

Far beyond these misty horizons
A place where stars are fabled to lie.
"But dawn will break; this night can't last forever."
Sins of laughter we now bid goodbye

I hold you close-- hold you as you tremble.
And turn my eyes to the empty, far-off sky.
I hear the chime that lights up every darkness...
How long the road, between you and I.

Deep in the night; the cold and stormy darkness,
I reach for you, whom I have yet to see.
Tell me, O wind, who has crossed the oceans:
Will our prayers cross eternity?

Deep in the night; the cold and stormy darkness,
I reach for you, whom I have yet to see.
Tell me, O wind, who has crossed the oceans:
Will our prayers cross eternity?

Will our prayers cross eternity?

I've tried my best to make the thought still there. What really took some effort was making the language semi-archaic and poetic, yet still true to the tune. I've taken pains to make sure that it's singable, and the number of syllables in each line is the same as the original song (though i admit that one or two lines require you to stretch a phoneme into two syllables, as in most songs). Try singing along, and it fits.

Here's the original romanji of the Japanese:

urunda hitomi no oku ni
kawaranu kimi no sugata
"doko made sekai wa tsudzuku no"
todaeta hibi no kotoba

kogoeru arashi no yoru mo
mada minu kimi e tsudzuku
oshiete   umi wataru kaze
inori wa toki wo koeru

kasunda chihei no mukou ni
nemureru hoshi no souwa
"akenai yoru wa nai yo" to
ano hi no tsumi ga warau

furueru kimi wo dakiyose
todokanu kokuu wo aogu
kikoeru yami terasu kane
kimi eto michi wa tooku

kogoeru arashi no yoru mo
mada minu kimi e tsudzuku
oshiete   umi wataru kaze
inori wa toki wo koeru

kogoeru arashi no yoru mo
mada minu kimi e tsudzuku
oshiete   umi wataru kaze
inori wa toki wo koeru

inori wa toki wo koeru


The line: "ano hi no tsumi ga warau" is giving me trouble, actually.

My sources:
(click to show/hide)
Translation by DarkMirage
In the depths of my tear-filled eyes,
Is your everlasting beauty.
"How far does the world go?"
Those words from our bygone days.

Even on those freezing, stormy nights,
Though you are still out of sight, I continue on.
Please tell me, ocean-crossing winds,
That my prayers will pass through time.

Beyond the misty horizons,
Stars are fabled to lie.
"Dawn will surely follow every night."
The sins of my past laughs.

I try to embrace you trembling with uncertainty,
But I look up at the empty sky beyond reach.
I hear the chime that illuminates darkness,
Showing me that the path to you is still far.

Even on those freezing, stormy nights,
Though you are still out of sight, I continue on.
Please tell me, ocean-crossing winds,
That my prayers will pass through time.

Translation by Atashi

In the depths of my teared-up eyes
There’s your unchanging figure
“Where will the world continue to?”
Are the words from the days have ceased

On the freezing, stormy nights
I continue to go toward the still unseen you, too
Tell me, oh the wind that spreads across the ocean
Prayers surpass time

Across the hazy horizon
There’s the episode of stars that can sleep
“There’s no unending night,”
The sin from that day laughs

I embrace the trembling you
And gaze up at the unreachable void
I hear the bell that illuminates the darkness
The road that goes to you is far

On the freezing, stormy nights
I continue to go toward the still unseen you, too
Tell me, oh the wind that spreads across the ocean
Prayers surpass time

Translation from Shinsen-Subs Fansub

Deep from within my tearful eyes,
Your unchanging self is reflected.
"How far does this world extend?"
When will the tales of this age end?

Even on cold, stormy nights
I search for you endlessly.
Tell me, Oh Wind, which traverses the sea
Our prayers will cross time

Translation by Umui Fansub

Within the cloudy depths of my eyes
is chiseld your sillhouete
How far will this world take us?
As we spoke during our days together

Now even in frozen storms at night
even when out of sight, I strive towards you
O winds crossing the oceans, send tidings:
Tidings, that prayers will cross eternity

Translation by Official DVD version

Deep in those eyes filled with tears
Is an image of you, unchanged.
How far does the world extend?
Words from days that are no longer

Even freezing stormy nights
Lead to you, who I have yet to see
tell me, wind, you have crossed the oceas.
That prayers transcend time.


Any comments?

psyren:
You didn't 'translate', you just spruced it up.

Your dubtitle of the song sounds alright.

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