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My first book.

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Tatsujin:
Put it in a blog and put a link of that blog in your signature.

Meandola:

--- Quote from: Tatsujin on December 02, 2010, 04:30:04 PM ---Put it in a blog and put a link of that blog in your signature.

--- End quote ---

^like this idea

Also, I kind of like how the story immidiatly puts you in the middle of something unknown. And as Ixarku says, the last bit makes the whole quite interesting.

Nazo:
I can't say much about the idea itself, since it all depends on what direction you decide to take the story, but the writing itself bothered me.

One thing, the commas are just so ungrammatical it makes me cringe. The side effect of using all those commas of yours is that it makes it read like the girl is hyper and her mind is moving at the speed of light (which it really is ayway), whereas you are probably going for a confused/disoriented/groggy kind of feel. You're actually looking to use ellipses in most of those instances, but an overabundance of ellipses is also terrible.

That actually brings me to the next thing, which is that you have too much internal monologue at the start. Because you have nothing but her thinking, without any pause or anything (events, interjections, outside stimulus) in between thoughts, it's almost the same as if that was all dialogue. Try imagining all that as dialogue and you might be able to see what I mean. And since it's all combined together like it, and her thoughts jump around dozens of times, it becomes a mess and a lot of the things said feels insignificant and a waste of space (and thus ignored and forgotten).

I have a rough idea of what you were trying to do with what you wrote, trying to show how confused she is and how she can't control her physical body for some reason, but I think you're trying too hard (using too many details and thoughts) it needs a whole rewrite to be pleasing to read. Sometimes something more minimal is more effective than throwing a lot of "details", most of which feel insignificant.

Xiong Chiamiov:
It may be easier for you to start with short stories, rather than a novel.  Not only is the length helpful, but the writing style is different: characters are just introduced with no prologue, and defined by the actions they take, rather than discussing motivations and all that jazz.

At least, that's what I've gathered from the bit I've read and a lovely introduction to a book of stories by Philip K. Dick that I have.  Consult someone who actually knows what they're talking about if you decide to go this route.

As to my actual thoughts,

--- Quote from: my mind ---Crying.  Great.

Mmm, rambling on about crying some more... I think I'll just scroll down to where people say stuff about this.

--- End quote ---
Not to be a discouragement, but your introduction is quite possibly the most important part - it tells people what to expect later on.  And if there's one thing I hate reading, it's dream sequences, extended abstract thoughts, and general narrator-on-drugs.  Case in point: I love the Dune series (rereading it now), but when Paul starts wandering off into trances and talking about hills of seeing and weird-ass metaphors that sound like Frank Herbert was partaking of a bit too much melange himself, I zone out.

pingryanime:
Here's the one advice I have that I learned the hard way.



Intros make impressions.



Bad intros = no one reads, even if everything past the intro is superb.

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